come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Randomize