nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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