bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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