My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
