I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
