I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
