Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize