...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
