wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
