God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
