I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
