Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
