life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Even my vagina gasped.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I party with great urgency now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
