I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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