note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This house was built for laser tag.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
