I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
