so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
