Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
