Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
