i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
