I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
