this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He shit in the fireplace
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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