mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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