I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
