Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
