Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
