Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
