guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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