it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
FUCK WHALES
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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