i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
