My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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