He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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