i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
