My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
