apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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