I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Is Oprah even human
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
please don't ironically join a cult
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