I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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