Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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