I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
