He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need water and some morals
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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