Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
