Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
