i used baking grease as lip gloss
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
