She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love you.
Bad choice
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
