How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
