Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
