He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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