We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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