How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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