who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If that was your dad, he is hot
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
