I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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