I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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