I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize