Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
