I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
