I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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