I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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