just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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