I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
