I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Houston, we have a squirter
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
