I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
