the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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